When not Talking about Prayer Is the Christian Thing to Do

Recently, I was perusing the online version of the Orlando Sentinel when the subject being addressed that day in the “Ask Eric” advice column caught my attention.

The advice seeker/complainer explained that he was an atheist—although one who shared his true spiritual colors only when “in a safe environment to do so, or if I know I am among folks who lean the same way.” Despite being generally a closeted non-believer, he is offended when people tell him that they’re keeping his ill mother in their thoughts “and prayers.” 

Keep in mind, to a great degree this man keeps his atheist persona under wraps. Since he grew up Catholic, most of those who promise thoughts “and prayers” for his mother would likely assume that he’s still a Catholic. 

Instead of just coming out and explaining his atheistic perspective, he says he tries “to hint to my friends and family where I stand by replying or even stating upfront ‘please keep her in your thoughts’ or ‘thanks for keeping her in your thoughts,’ hoping people will get the hint.” He adds that “they usually don’t.” Which is understandable, I’d suggest, granted that by his own admission they don’t even know he’s an atheist.

Eric, the writer of the advice column, responds that, typically, “‘thoughts and prayers’ becomes a shorthand for well wishes or condolences.” He also notes: “Other people’s prayers aren’t necessarily a commentary on your beliefs. And if your mother does practice a religion, the comment may be more for her benefit.”

The columnist continues: “It’s perfectly fine to say, ‘I am an atheist and I don’t believe in prayer, but I respect that you do and I thank you for the energy you’re sending my mother’s way.’”

I imagine that many—maybe even most—of us would view this atheist as thin-skinned and unreasonable. I mean, why would he expect atheist-sensitive comments from people don’t even know he’s an atheist? He seems oblivious to how unreasonable he is.

It feels kind of good—doesn’t it?—to know that we as believers are right about this matter and this unreasonable atheist is wrong. Flat-out wrong. But before we engage in too much self-congratulation, let’s wrestle with this matter a little more deeply.

Let’s turn our attention briefly to what Jesus declared was the foundational value for all Jewish and Christian spiritual teachings: the Golden Rule. Jesus said (Matthew 7:12) that we should treat others as we would want to be treated if the roles were reversed. In other words, if we were on the receiving end rather than the dishing-out end.

So let’s change two or three major factors in this story: Let’s give this atheist the courage of his convictions. Let’s assume he gets the confidence to consistently make it clear to others how he views the whole issue of God and/or the gods, and all the rituals associated with these mythical (as he sees them) beings

Now this atheist, who has now found the courage to publicly acknowledge his non-believing perspectives, has also become articulate. He’s able to say clearly and calmly what he thinks and feels. So in a civil and measured way—without being pugnacious or obnoxious or rude—he’s able and willing to explain to anyone willing to listen why he has come to see things as he does. 

As believers, we’ll almost certainly disagree with his conclusions and maybe even with major parts of his rationale. But he has made his perspective perfectly clear. And all who know him, even as a passing acquaintance, know exactly where he stands on matters of religion.

Once we know his beliefs—or lack thereof—and we know that he doesn’t appreciate prayer, we probably should show our Christianity to him by NOT talking about prayer. To bring up prayer in that context comes across as passive-aggressive. Or maybe active-aggressive. And somehow that doesn’t seem to pass the WWJD test (What Would Jesus Do?).

In such a situation, refraining from bringing up the topic of prayer isn’t an abdication of our spirituality. I would suggest that it’s the Golden Rule in action. It says that when we know someone is uncomfortable or downright offended by something we would naturally say in another context, we’re going to show respect for that person and for King Solomon. 

Solomon? Why Solomon? 

Because Solomon is the one who said there’s a time to be silent and a time to speak.